Self-Care… I know, I know. You’ve heard it before.

It's been 5 years since I had the goal of blogging. FIVE YEARS! One blog post later, here I am starting again and making a new commitment to do my best to really do it this time. I mean, to be fair I have been running and expanding a wonderful practice, have experienced some loss, living life, and well, there was that little pandemic that we all had to get through. And then, there is the belief that no one has any interest in reading yet another blog. I am not an influencer and have no grand dreams of becoming one. Nonetheless, I do know some stuff and thought it might be fun and hopefully helpful to share. So, here we are at the end of another year and as many people do, I have started to reflect on some of the successes and challenges I've experienced in 2024. And, as I am doing the mental gymnastics involved in that, I find that I keep coming back to just how difficult being a therapist is, like in sum. It's hard work, y'all. Some days are harder than others, and that is the case for most people in most jobs, but boy a bad day as a therapist can do some real damage mentally. I'm talking vicarious trauma kind of bad and that means that self-care is incredibly important in order to keep the balance and the sanity. I also know there are therapists out there who swear they can “just turn it off" and by "not turning it off I am doing harm to myself AND my clients” and my response to that is, “Fu…  ahem…” What I mean to say is, I am pretty good at it, I really am, but some therapists aren't. That's not a character defect either, it's a very difficult thing to do. I mean, people like us who intentionally and repeatedly sit in a room with people who are hurting do it because we don’t want other people to hurt or sit in pain alone - so as we sit and give our attention to others' pain, walking away unaffected by it can be extra work on top of the "regular" work. Many therapists do the job because we have experienced sitting in pain alone at some point and so we get it. Many therapists come from complicated families (aren’t they all), or have experienced the fallout of many dysfunctional relationships, and in an attempt to make sense of those painful experiences, were drawn into the field. But here’s the thing. No matter how good we are at sitting with others, we are people too and some are better at “turning it off,” and “turning it down.” So, if you (no matter your job or life situation) can learn to step back from stress and engage in a little self-care you will find it one of the most useful tools you have in your own toolbox. I promise.

Learning to manage stress and pain requires skills that we can quickly identify and use when things feel out of control. We need to recognize when to pull the cord on the bullet train of stress and anxiety and regroup for a bit. And while there is a long list of self-care tools that are popular methods of self-care, there are others that could be helpful for people for whom those well-known approaches don’t work. As a therapist, who at this point in my career has worked with literally thousands of people, I can tell you that self-care comes up a LOT. Some people know they need it when they walk into my office from the first session. Others don’t think about self-care because it wasn’t part of their family culture, socioeconomic situations, or even their core beliefs as something they are deserving of.  

I think it's also important to point out that having a chronic lack of self-care can also stem from some challenging mental health diagnoses. For example, people who are challenged with managing symptoms of Bipolar disorder, ADHD, Obsessive Compulsive disorder, or a brain injury, just to name the big ones, have a really hard time not only recognizing the need for self-care, but also putting it into practice. If you are actively experiencing symptoms of mania, it's nearly impossible to engage in self-care, because there is no way you can let those eleventy-three spinning plates hit the floor to do anything remotely calming and healing. If you are reeling from ruminating thoughts or compulsive behavior it's never going to cross your mind to stop washing your hands, checking the locks, or arranging and rearranging things so you can take care of yourself. And, if you struggle with symptoms of ADHD, and find it impossible to sit through a movie, how reasonable do you think it would be to successfully focus on something to bring your nervous system back into a state of relaxation, even if you know it would help? A traumatic brain injury can literally change the way you process information, so maybe you aren’t registering that you need to take care of yourself in a way that brings you rest or clarity, so you end up finding yourself in a constant state of dysregulation for things unrecognizable to you. I want to add here, that you aren’t doing anything wrong by having these challenges, and they aren't who you are, but they are part and parcel of those diagnoses, and they must be acknowledged as such. 

Now, all that being said, self-care is STILL something that you (and I) need and can benefit from with time and practice. It’s a gift that you deserve to give yourself even if it takes you a little longer to learn to be consistent or to really feel the benefits of, and this also applies to people who aren’t managing a difficult diagnosis (or several) that leave you in a regular state of exhaustion. So, if you are inclined and have made it this far, take a few more minutes to read a little further to see if any of the following suggestions sound helpful and then, try them. Just try. You don’t have to get them 100% correct. To be honest, you may never get them 100% correct (secret – your friendly neighborhood therapist doesn’t always get them 100% correct either), but that doesn’t mean that you won’t experience a little benefit from them, and when it comes to self-care, a little is better than nothing at all. Here goes:

1.    Try a new hobby and allow yourself to get excited about it!

Did you know that excitement is the opposite of anxiety, but people often confuse the two? For some people, learning a new hobby can create a lot of stress and that might be true for you. But, if you allow yourself to be serious about starting a new hobby, it will require a bit of focus, and when you are focused you are less likely to find yourself in a state of panic or anxiety. Plenty of people find running (yes, exercise, but keep reading please) a way to stay in motion (I’m looking at you folks struggling with ADHD), which can satisfy the pull to be in motion and allow you time to focus your mind one stride at a time. Or try bowling, or hitting golf balls, or pickle ball (this one is a new favorite of mine), or insert anything that can keep you actively doing a thing that is fun or pleasurable. People often think that self-care is about taking a bubble-bath or drinking a cup of tea while lounging around in their jammies. And while that is true for the people who can settle into that, that’s not what will work for someone who can’t control the urge to stay in motion. You can’t force yourself to relax in someone else’s framework. The point of a hobby is to disconnect from as many of the things that cause you stress and anxiety you can for just a little while so your brain can “rest.”

2.    Put some thought into figuring out what drains you and what energizes you, and do the energizing thing.

Yes, energizes! Self-care is about filling your cup, or “washing” some of those “spoons” that people talk about. When you are drained of energy, that is the same as being overwhelmed or stressed. We tend to look at being so tired that we can’t function as a reason to come to an abrupt stop. Sometimes, we go so far that our body refuses to allow us to do anything at all. It’s like the universe is forcing us to slow down. I can’t tell you the number of times I have had a client tell me that they just “shut down for a day or two and couldn’t get out of bed or off of the couch” and “it must have been a sign from the universe.” Look, you CAN look at it that way, and I’m not saying I know more than the universe, but believing that you found “rest” from exhausting yourself to the point of not being able to move is a cognitive distortion. That's like saying "When I pass out from a night of heavy drinking I get the best sleep ever!" That's simply not true, but it's hard to break that cognitive distortion because it feels true. And, sorry to tell you, but feelings are not always facts. Make a commitment to drinking more water, making healthy food at home or meal prepping for the upcoming week. Not only will you be fueling your body in the most important ways, but you will take the daily stress of deciding what to eat off of your plate because it's already done. Is it possible to adjust your work schedule so you can take advantage of when you are the most capable of doing good work? I know not everyone has that option, but if you do, consider it. Can you limit your time with people who are emotional vampires by setting some healthy boundaries? Learning to be intentional and doing things that energize you is about taking control, which will help you rest. If you are engaging in a balanced life the hope is that you will also eventually develop better sleep along the way, and THAT is true rest.

3.     Set some boundaries for yourself.

This can be especially difficult when you struggle with people pleasing or when you are in the middle of that manic cycle I mentioned earlier. When you are going 100 MPH you tend to think that you can add one more thing to your day, but that’s not true. The fact that you are juggling 9 balls at once is not healthy and it’s not sustainable. Thinking that you can fit one more thing in if it means pleasing someone is not reasonable. So, say no! Say no to people who are asking you to take on even the smallest of tasks, regardless of if you fear it will make them angry with you or if you feel guilty. Everyone has a limit, and everyone eventually reaches it. And then, if you are able, look at all those plates, prioritize them in a way that makes sense, and stop frantically spinning them. No one, and I mean NO ONE needs to paint their kitchen, pull everything out of their drawers and closets, talk on the phone (even if it’s handsfree through earbuds), send that email, and bake the cupcakes for the kid’s classroom party all at the same time. I realize that list may not resonate with you, but I bet you have a list that does. Stop it! If you find that you really do have several things that need to be done around the same time, then flip the proverbial script and ask someone to help you for a change. Do not be the island of “SELF!” That is a maladaptive hyper independent approach for people who have experienced neglect, abandonment, and trauma in their past and a whole other conversation.

4.    Work more efficiently.

If you can’t relax because work is a constant stream of tasks to accomplish every day or even yesterday (I really get it. Remember, it’s taken me 5 years to get back to blogging), then maybe spend some time finding ways to be more efficient at your job or even with your responsibilities at home. Find an online course for personal development because that is going to require some focus. I don’t mean enroll in an intensive, time-consuming, semester long program either. I mean find something that is affordable or free, short, and highly focused on helping you learn tips, tricks, and tools to do what you need to do more effectively that will lessen the time you need to accomplish that task going forward. To do this, you may also need to curb your TV time or doom scrolling, which can be enormous time sucks, and we often lose many hours a day allowing ourselves to watch a litany of cute dog videos (I’m looking in the mirror on that one). Do I think that zero cute dog videos are what you are shooting for? Absolutely not. Let’s make sure to keep our priorities straight here, but do you need 3 hours a day of those, YES! Wait, I mean no! Definitely no! Seriously, I really do mean no. 

5.     Tried-and-true methods.

If none of those suggestions fit into what seems reasonable and helpful, then use the deep breathing, bubble-bath taking, green tea sipping, book reading, meditating, hammock laying, coloring, journaling approaches. There is absolutely nothing wrong with them. I mean, they work for a lot of people. However, if you absolutely can’t do them, don’t want to do them, are afraid of trying them, or they just sound like a bunch of hippie dippy approaches (no insult directed at hippies. I love hippies. I used to be one) to self-care, then don’t force yourself to do them, because what you will be doing there is reassuring your brain that they are in fact what you believe them to be, ineffective and meant for other people. Which, by association will convince you that self-care overall is not a thing that will work for you. Don’t sabotage yourself! You are more valuable than that. 

Finally, you could find a therapist who you can sit with regularly who can help you navigate how to make self-care a priority, or help you work through some of your past experiences, which cause current stress. They can also help you develop real skills to help you manage many of the symptoms you experience from any diagnoses you may be struggling to understand or effectively manage. The point is that there is no one-size fits all way of doing self-care. Self-care should be what’s right for you. It also shouldn't add more stress to you! Give yourself this gift even if it’s only once or twice a month. Put the focus on what works for you and forget about what works for other people. If the typical self-care tools work for them, then good for them. I want you to approach self-care as though it’s your job at least for a couple of hours a month and see if it helps. Remember, self-care is about consistently pouring back into your cup. Don’t let yourself get dehydrated!