Why is Making Friends as an Adult So Weird?

Remember when making a friend was as easy as sitting next to someone in class? You liked the same shows, laughed at the same dumb stuff, and neither of you wanted anything to do with running the mile in P.E. Congratulations—you now have a best friend!

As adults though, it’s so much more complicated. You meet someone you genuinely like. You have a great conversation. You say, “We should get together sometime!” They enthusiastically agree.

And then…nothing.

Three months later, you run into each other at Albertson’s and have essentially the same conversation. If this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not the only one.

In fact, as a therapist, I hear some version of this pretty regularly. Clients talk about wanting more friends, feeling like their social circle has gotten smaller, and wonder why everyone else seems to have figured out adult friendship when they haven’t. And somewhere in that conversation, another question often comes up: “But where am I even supposed to meet people?”

Friendship Looks Different as We Get Older

Adult friendships have a lot working against them. There are jobs, partners, kids, aging parents, appointments, errands, and the general maintenance required to keep a life running. Even when we have free time, sometimes the only thing we have the energy to do is put on our jammies, turn on that rerun of Friends, and not talk to anyone.

Friendships that once happened naturally now require actual planning. And planning as adults means looking at calendars. Sometimes multiple calendars. Ugh! The calendars!

Suddenly grabbing coffee requires the same level of coordination as a small corporate retreat. So, it makes sense that friendship can feel harder than it used to. Then, there’s another part of adult friendships we don’t talk about quite as much: making friends requires vulnerability. Yep, you have to be vulnerable to connect with others. It’s just part of the equation.

What If You Just… Asked?

When we were younger, friendship was often built into our lives. We went to school together, played on the same sports teams, lived in the same neighborhood or dorm, or worked the same summer job.

As adults, those built-in opportunities are fewer and farther between. Which means someone must make the first move. You have to say, “I really enjoyed talking with you. Want to grab coffee sometime?” And then your brain gets involved. Was that weird? Do they actually want to hang out? Maybe they were just being nice. What if they already have enough friends? Oh god, do they think I am hitting on them?

In fact, it can feel strangely similar to dating. We want connection, but we also don’t particularly enjoy the possibility of rejection. So sometimes we wait for the other person to initiate. The problem is that they may be sitting next to you thinking the exact same thing.

Apparently, We’re Supposed to Get a Hobby

One of the most common suggestions for making friends as an adult is to find a hobby. Which sounds reasonable. I mean, as a therapist I often speak with my clients about their hobbies, or lack thereof.

I hear from them that somewhere between work, relationships, parenting, responsibilities, and just keeping up with everyday life, they have lost touch with what they enjoy doing.

When I ask a client, “What do you like to do for fun?” the answer is more likely than not, “I have no idea.” Or maybe they’re perfectly happy reading, watching Netflix, and ordering takeout. All excellent ways to spend an evening, but not particularly good for expanding your social circle.

Remember that vulnerability I just touched on? Well, I’m here to tell you that finding a hobby as an adult can feel surprisingly vulnerable too. Trying something new means being a beginner. It means walking into a room where you might not know anyone (btw, this is a very difficult one for me too). It means possibly being bad at something in front of other people. And, wowzers, that can be uncomfortable!

But hobbies don’t have to become a passion, a side hustle, or part of your identity. You’re allowed to try pottery and decide you hate it. You can join a hiking group without becoming “a hiker.” You can take a class simply because it sounded mildly interesting. The goal isn’t necessarily to find your thing. It’s to get out into the world, you know, around other people.

The goal is to just put yourself in places where the same people show up more than once. Because that’s often how friendships form: proximity, repetition, and enough small interactions for two people to gradually become comfortable with each other.

Sadly, There’s No DoorDash for Friendship

One of the biggest shifts in adult friendship is accepting that connection often must be intentional now. That doesn’t mean forcing friendships that don’t fit. It means giving promising ones a chance to become something. Instead of saying, “We should hang out some time,” try making it a little more concrete. “Want to get coffee next Saturday?” “Want to go for a walk sometime this week? Bonus points if you have a dog to bring with you!” “I’m going to that event Friday. Want to come?” It doesn’t have to be elaborate.

Friendship is usually built through lots of ordinary moments, not one perfectly planned experience. A cup of coffee. A walk. Sitting on the sidelines at your kids’ soccer game. Sending someone a ridiculous meme because you know they’ll appreciate it. Those small moments add up.

Not Everyone Has to Be Your New Bestie

Sometimes we make friendship harder by expecting too much from it. We want to find our bestie. Someone who understands everything, is always available, shares our interests, loves our partner, gets along with our kids, gives excellent advice, and somehow has the exact same amount of free time we do. At that point, you’re not looking for a friend—you’re hiring.

Adult friendships can be meaningful without being everything. You might have the friend you call when life gets messy. The friend who makes you laugh. The friend you see twice a year and somehow pick up exactly where you left off. The friend you walk with every Tuesday but rarely see outside of that. The friend you text about whatever show you’re both watching. They all count.

Sometimes having a rich social life isn’t about finding one perfect friendship. It’s about allowing different relationships to have different places in your life.

Sometimes Friendships Just… Change

Friendships change. People move. They get married. They have children. They change jobs. They go through difficult things. Sometimes a friendship that was once central to your life becomes quieter. That can be sad, even when no one did anything wrong. We tend to think that if a friendship changes, something must have happened. Sometimes something did. But sometimes life simply changed.

A friendship becoming less close doesn’t erase what it meant/means to you. And it doesn’t mean you failed at friendship. Some people are part of our lives for decades and some aren’t. A friendship doesn’t have to last forever to have been worth having.

You’re Not the Only One Hoping Someone Reaches Out

Loneliness has a way of convincing us that everyone else already has their people. They have their group chats. Their weekend plans. Their lifelong best friends. Their annual girls’ trips. Meanwhile, you’re wondering whether asking someone to lunch would seem desperate. But appearances can be misleading.

From where I sit as a therapist, I can tell you that the desire for more connection comes up far more often than you might think. People who appear social, confident, busy, and connected can still feel lonely. They can still wish they had someone to call. They can still wonder why making friends feels so much harder than it should.

Plenty of adults want deeper friendships. Plenty of people wish someone else would reach out first. Plenty of people feel awkward trying to make new friends and assume they’re the only ones who haven’t figured it out. So maybe send the text. Invite someone to the bookstore or the antique shop. Try the class—even if you’re not sure it’s gonna float your boat. Go to the knitting circle, neighborhood gathering, volunteer event, or walking group even if you feel a little awkward walking in alone. And when someone reaches out to you, try not to assume they’re “just being nice.” They may be hoping for a friend, too.

Making Friends Requires a Tiny Bit of Bravery

Making friends as an adult may not be as easy as it was when friendship could begin over a shared box of crayons. It takes more intention now. And, sometimes more patience. And usually a lot more courage.

You don’t need to suddenly become the extrovert. You don’t need a packed social calendar. And you definitely don’t need to discover an exciting new hobby that becomes your entire personality.

Maybe you just need to be willing to try something, show up more than once, and occasionally be the person who goes first. Sometimes friendship starts with something as simple as: “I like talking to you. Want to grab coffee?”

And yes, you’ll probably have to compare calendars first.

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Kimberly Ahmadi, MA, LMFT, is the Owner and Lead Therapist at Manifest Joy Counseling in Tucson. Kimberly and her team help people create connections by exploring the patterns that hold them back and building practical tools for stronger relationships. If you're ready to take the next step, visit manifestjoycounseling.com or call 520.885.1033 to schedule your first appointment.